Losing pieces of me...

me me me me me

2008-07-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

I am a mother, a wife, an emotional orphan

I think way too much, way too deeply & get tired of listening to my own thoughts

I Know that I am scared

I have more than I ever dared wish for but use that against me too, I have so much yet i still struggle.

I wish to feel happier cope more & to reduce the battle in my head

I hate me, and me and me, everything about me

I miss how I used to be, what I thought I could be

I fear most things

I hear things that are not there

I smell me, when i feel bad I think I smell bad

I crave uninterrupted sleep & chocolate

I search in hope

I wonder how I became to be like this

I regret believing my mum so much & for so long

I love my new family, my husband & children & my pet

I ache in a way I feel I am falling apart

I am not very useful

I believe that I am bad, sometimes I believe in hope & change

I dance very rarely!

I sing in my car because I sound quite good when it's hidden by the noise of the engine

I cry when I feel overwhlemed, when I am scared

I fight within my head, the battle of the thoughts

I win comps

I lose comps

I never die? Well I haven't yet

I always think too much

I confuse myself & others

I listen to others like I wish I'd have been listened to

I am scared of seemingly everything

I need reasssurance, love chocolate patience & time (and maybe a miracle)

I am happy about <-- may come back to this

I imagine a lot of things, people watching me, talking about me, I imagine a life where I contribute more & battle less

yesterday

2008-07-16T04:25:00.001-07:00

An appointment with mr t, he thinks I have a problem with people in authority, I think I have a problem with everyone.

Busy doing a wordle, I am finding it hard to stick words together, I like wordles can just make a list...

http://wordle.net/create

a kid with a credit card

2008-02-27T15:27:00.001-08:00

I have ordered wii fit today, to go with the wii bought 2 weeks ago I do feel like a kid with a credit card sometimes whilst I battle in my head, spending seems so wrong, eurggh.

So wii fit is my latest must have, I dread my children feeling poor, feeling worthless, I was the child who was too bad for presents, we had money, it just didn't get spent on me. I never knew what I did that was so wrong and now I have reached an awkward stage where I think I can see it wasn't me, but blaming me is easier than facing up to how much was wrong for me. There I have said it... I'll wait for my world to crash down...

I suspect the blog is feeding my paranoid bit ever so slightly, i want to be more open but I can see people have been here & I have no idea who, if you'd like to say hi I'll wave right back!

Thanks for reading :o)

To you,

2008-02-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

When I first saw you, I suspect about 5 years ago you were working as a locum Consultant psychiatrist, You aid you didn't want to see me still sat in out patients in 4 years time, I just needed time, somebody to listen, you were prepared to be that person. You gave me 2 tasks to do,
1) write a list of my major life events

2) Choose from the following options

Carry on seeing CPN
See you each week
See both of you each week

I worried myself sick, I did my list with many tears, first time I had written down some of the stuff, I worried over which option to take, I didn't want to lose my CPN, she reminded me of my mum, but she also didn't listen, the option of seeing you both was terrifying, for years I saw social workers two at a time, my mum said that was so they could make up stories about what I'd said & they would outnumber me,i wouldn't stand a chance, I was terrified and have tried to avoid speaking to 2 people at once since.

So I attended my next appointment, I was going to go for it, you scared me by your willingness to listen, but you also gave me hope. I nearly died of fright waiting to see you, a small element of excitement that sitting in the waiting area had a defined purpose. I saw you, you explained you were going away over Christmas to visit your parents, you were also moving clinics but if I was prepared to travel - I was, you'd still see me. You never saw my list, I waited and waited, nothing, I rang to ask, got various stories as to why, when you'd be in touch, I wrote, no reply. To make matters worse when my usual Psychiatrist came back from maternity leave I was discharged as being beyond help because I hadn't engaged with you, I never got that chance. To be a mental health user places you in a position where what you say is viewed as lacking truth at times, physical symptoms can be disregarded as being in your head, maybe they are but they still hurt.

You took something from me, you were paid a lot of money and actually made things worse for me. 5 year son, no I am not sat in the waiting room, after being discharged I trying to go it alone, it was a muddy battle, to be told I was beyond help was so isolating I had nothing to turn to. One desperate day I saw my GP to be referred back to Dr Mc, who by that time was leaving, she saw me once & referred me onto another list, 2 1/2 years I spent on that waiting list. Whilst waiting I saw another locum psychiatrist, he asked if I had eaten and slept since my last appointment, "What 12 weeks ago?" I asked, "Yes" That was the question he was asking, I said yes, he said i was doing well, he;d write to my GP to inform her of my progress, I think that is what is called who cares in the community.

I wanted to be able to tell you, no I am not there, in the waiting room, the person I see now I cannot trust, I expect him to leave, I appreciate it is not all down to you but you didn't help, you had an opportunity to help and you didn't, you made it worse, you offered false hope which is what I had been brought up on, that is cruel.

I know you have moved on now but I wanted the opportunity to remind you, you work with peoples lives, they may be a small amount of time to you each week, each patient has to survive the remainder of the time until their next appointment

I didn't want to be like this

2008-02-26T11:12:00.001-08:00

Woken frotm he depth of sleep, wanting to go back, can't do that, responsibilities & all that, await my bravery medal for getting clothes on, kids to school. Return to a bath, then a shower, hoping it will help. Need to go out, socks are low, a bit of bibery, a quick dash just how fast can I go out then return home? Went to bed. What a great day, what a pathetic excuse of my time, how to make myself feel worse.

My blog wasn't meant to be for this, it was meant to be positive, a time to reflect, not go backwards.

Can I sell my Mum on ebay?

2008-02-22T14:59:00.000-08:00

I was wondering, what with Mother's day approaching, Could I sell her on ebay? I know they don't really allow the sale of humans, but is she human? Proof it! I am also aware I may seem horrifically disrespectful to the person who gave me life & damn nearly took it from me a few times, so how would I sell her on ebay?

A chance to purchase a perfect new addition to your family!

Experienced mother & now Grandmother, aged 60 something, available to offer false promises, destroy any confidence you may have, offer suspicion over absolutely anything, a frequent liar, comes to you directly to your home, also available for pick up to if I find out where she lives, you see she moves now & then, usually without telling me and that was when we were close! You see I'd try & ring her, call round to find she'd gone, she'd go off & hide to cause worry, sometimes she'd tell e before, depends if it was me she wanted to get at. For a while she lived in a caravan in the garden, I was only allowed to visit between specific hours which fell during school time, I could however take her drinks if I left them on the step outside the door, fool that I am, I did, I just wanted that contact. Worry not, you see I had survived living in the garden previously but that was before the caravan, I had a tent, I was happy to live in that tent, she kept telling me to tell people how happy I was, I got good at that, I still do it now, so hard to admit when things are wrong. I have 2 sisters, they sided with her in the end, coming up with their own mean tricks, they'd lock me out, I learnt not to drink so I didn't need the loo, I'd have to knock to get inside you see and wasn't always allowed, it was easier not to ask than risk rejection, still hurts to think back. Ouch!

So yes if you are missing this sort of person, bid now...

Naming my new baby

2008-02-22T14:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, it's taken me a few years to get to this, the excitement, the nerves, the fear everyone will hate me, but today is the day. I was going to call this The human carvery to reflect the loss of pieces of me, cruelly eaten by others over the years but that seemed way too negative, so I am the human jigsaw, I have hope (sometimes), share in my hope, feel free to add to it, all donations gratefully receieved & yes I mean of hope not your cash! Stick with me, I apparently have humour in here