Thursday, 17 July 2008
I think way too much, way too deeply & get tired of listening to my own thoughts
I Know that I am scared
I have more than I ever dared wish for but use that against me too, I have so much yet i still struggle.
I wish to feel happier cope more & to reduce the battle in my head
I hate me, and me and me, everything about me
I miss how I used to be, what I thought I could be
I fear most things
I hear things that are not there
I smell me, when i feel bad I think I smell bad
I crave uninterrupted sleep & chocolate
I search in hope
I wonder how I became to be like this
I regret believing my mum so much & for so long
I love my new family, my husband & children & my pet
I ache in a way I feel I am falling apart
I am not very useful
I believe that I am bad, sometimes I believe in hope & change
I dance very rarely!
I sing in my car because I sound quite good when it's hidden by the noise of the engine
I cry when I feel overwhlemed, when I am scared
I fight within my head, the battle of the thoughts
I win comps
I lose comps
I never die? Well I haven't yet
I always think too much
I confuse myself & others
I listen to others like I wish I'd have been listened to
I am scared of seemingly everything
I need reasssurance, love chocolate patience & time (and maybe a miracle)
I am happy about <-- may come back to this
I imagine a lot of things, people watching me, talking about me, I imagine a life where I contribute more & battle less
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
So wii fit is my latest must have, I dread my children feeling poor, feeling worthless, I was the child who was too bad for presents, we had money, it just didn't get spent on me. I never knew what I did that was so wrong and now I have reached an awkward stage where I think I can see it wasn't me, but blaming me is easier than facing up to how much was wrong for me. There I have said it... I'll wait for my world to crash down...
I suspect the blog is feeding my paranoid bit ever so slightly, i want to be more open but I can see people have been here & I have no idea who, if you'd like to say hi I'll wave right back!
Thanks for reading :o)
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
1) write a list of my major life events
2) Choose from the following options
- Carry on seeing CPN
- See you each week
- See both of you each week
I worried myself sick, I did my list with many tears, first time I had written down some of the stuff, I worried over which option to take, I didn't want to lose my CPN, she reminded me of my mum, but she also didn't listen, the option of seeing you both was terrifying, for years I saw social workers two at a time, my mum said that was so they could make up stories about what I'd said & they would outnumber me,i wouldn't stand a chance, I was terrified and have tried to avoid speaking to 2 people at once since.
So I attended my next appointment, I was going to go for it, you scared me by your willingness to listen, but you also gave me hope. I nearly died of fright waiting to see you, a small element of excitement that sitting in the waiting area had a defined purpose. I saw you, you explained you were going away over Christmas to visit your parents, you were also moving clinics but if I was prepared to travel - I was, you'd still see me. You never saw my list, I waited and waited, nothing, I rang to ask, got various stories as to why, when you'd be in touch, I wrote, no reply. To make matters worse when my usual Psychiatrist came back from maternity leave I was discharged as being beyond help because I hadn't engaged with you, I never got that chance. To be a mental health user places you in a position where what you say is viewed as lacking truth at times, physical symptoms can be disregarded as being in your head, maybe they are but they still hurt.
You took something from me, you were paid a lot of money and actually made things worse for me. 5 year son, no I am not sat in the waiting room, after being discharged I trying to go it alone, it was a muddy battle, to be told I was beyond help was so isolating I had nothing to turn to. One desperate day I saw my GP to be referred back to Dr Mc, who by that time was leaving, she saw me once & referred me onto another list, 2 1/2 years I spent on that waiting list. Whilst waiting I saw another locum psychiatrist, he asked if I had eaten and slept since my last appointment, "What 12 weeks ago?" I asked, "Yes" That was the question he was asking, I said yes, he said i was doing well, he;d write to my GP to inform her of my progress, I think that is what is called who cares in the community.
I wanted to be able to tell you, no I am not there, in the waiting room, the person I see now I cannot trust, I expect him to leave, I appreciate it is not all down to you but you didn't help, you had an opportunity to help and you didn't, you made it worse, you offered false hope which is what I had been brought up on, that is cruel.
I know you have moved on now but I wanted the opportunity to remind you, you work with peoples lives, they may be a small amount of time to you each week, each patient has to survive the remainder of the time until their next appointment
My blog wasn't meant to be for this, it was meant to be positive, a time to reflect, not go backwards.