To you,

When I first saw you, I suspect about 5 years ago you were working as a locum Consultant psychiatrist, You aid you didn't want to see me still sat in out patients in 4 years time, I just needed time, somebody to listen, you were prepared to be that person. You gave me 2 tasks to do,
1) write a list of my major life events

2) Choose from the following options

• Carry on seeing CPN
• See you each week
• See both of you each week

I worried myself sick, I did my list with many tears, first time I had written down some of the stuff, I worried over which option to take, I didn't want to lose my CPN, she reminded me of my mum, but she also didn't listen, the option of seeing you both was terrifying, for years I saw social workers two at a time, my mum said that was so they could make up stories about what I'd said & they would outnumber me,i wouldn't stand a chance, I was terrified and have tried to avoid speaking to 2 people at once since.

So I attended my next appointment, I was going to go for it, you scared me by your willingness to listen, but you also gave me hope. I nearly died of fright waiting to see you, a small element of excitement that sitting in the waiting area had a defined purpose. I saw you, you explained you were going away over Christmas to visit your parents, you were also moving clinics but if I was prepared to travel - I was, you'd still see me. You never saw my list, I waited and waited, nothing, I rang to ask, got various stories as to why, when you'd be in touch, I wrote, no reply. To make matters worse when my usual Psychiatrist came back from maternity leave I was discharged as being beyond help because I hadn't engaged with you, I never got that chance. To be a mental health user places you in a position where what you say is viewed as lacking truth at times, physical symptoms can be disregarded as being in your head, maybe they are but they still hurt.

You took something from me, you were paid a lot of money and actually made things worse for me. 5 year son, no I am not sat in the waiting room, after being discharged I trying to go it alone, it was a muddy battle, to be told I was beyond help was so isolating I had nothing to turn to. One desperate day I saw my GP to be referred back to Dr Mc, who by that time was leaving, she saw me once & referred me onto another list, 2 1/2 years I spent on that waiting list. Whilst waiting I saw another locum psychiatrist, he asked if I had eaten and slept since my last appointment, "What 12 weeks ago?" I asked, "Yes" That was the question he was asking, I said yes, he said i was doing well, he;d write to my GP to inform her of my progress, I think that is what is called who cares in the community.

I wanted to be able to tell you, no I am not there, in the waiting room, the person I see now I cannot trust, I expect him to leave, I appreciate it is not all down to you but you didn't help, you had an opportunity to help and you didn't, you made it worse, you offered false hope which is what I had been brought up on, that is cruel.

I know you have moved on now but I wanted the opportunity to remind you, you work with peoples lives, they may be a small amount of time to you each week, each patient has to survive the remainder of the time until their next appointment